Social Media & Jealousy

Social media, at its best, allows us to share the important moments of our lives with friends, family, and acquaintances both far and near. At its worst, it can be misused in innumerable ways to make others feel badly. When single, seeing engagements, marriage, and birth announcements through social media can be bittersweet. As a single gal, I do feel happy, in a way, for others’ joy. There is something very touching and joyful about young love, and in particular, new life. In quite another way, I felt slightly bitter about it – why couldn’t it have been me? At the core, social media isn’t the problem – it’s jealousy.

There’s a two-part approach to addressing this frustration. First, really think about whom you are jealous of – do you want to be engaged to her fiancé? Do you want to be married to her husband? Do you want to have her child? As simple as these questions sound, the answer ought to be no – no, I do not want to be with him, or have his child. Recognizing this might be very easy; it’s not as difficult to say “I don’t want to marry Charlie” as to say “I’m glad they are getting married instead of me.”

To truly get to the point of saying “I am glad they are getting married instead of me,” requires much more effort on your part. The second step in addressing social media frustration is to acknowledge that so-and-so’s marriage and family is on a different road altogether than yours on your journey to God. This requires humility. Humility is an antidote to jealousy. Humility means being content and at peace with the station you have been given. Jealousy is a signal that you are not content with your station; it also signals lack of trust in God.

Conforming to the will of God in this matter will bring you peace. It will allow you to become content with the place God has given you, and then you can truly be joyful at others’ joy. As usual, that’s easier said than done, as I find to be the case in my own journey.

As tempting as it is to wish you were in Jennifer’s place or Gabby’s place or even your 19-year-old-can’t-believe-she’s-married-and-pregnant neighbor’s place, if you were actually in their places, it would inevitably lead to your ruin. One nugget of wisdom I picked up in my single years is this: “The right thing at the wrong time isn’t the right thing.”

I have felt “ready” for years to meet my husband and have his kids, but I think I am looking at it with a limited viewpoint. With my limited information, I am making the decision that I am ready for marriage and family life. God alone has the full plan, and if were able to see a fuller picture, I’m sure it would be obvious that I am not ready. I am not ready until God allows me to become ready, so that I can have a fuller, happier marriage. God may not ever give you His full plan, but the key is trusting in Him.

For now, it might be easier for you to say, “I’m glad that they are getting married instead of me because if it were me, it would be terrible for my soul!” It’s a slightly more self-centered way of looking at it. This helped me in the initial stages of overcoming my jealousy issues because it drew the focus back on myself and my own insecurities rather than lashing out in jealousy at others’ journeys to God.

Eventually, the goal is to be genuinely joyful at others’ special moments. It can also help in the initial stages to say to yourself, “I am happy because God’s will is being done.” Look to Mary, our Blessed Mother, as an example. She truly understood the meaning of “thy will be done.”

Be at peace, then, knowing that God has placed you in your particular state for a reason. He has also placed others in their states for a reason too. Though it is absolutely difficult not to feel jealous or bitter at others’ marriages or new babies, it is crucial to understand that it is not the right thing for you because it is not the right time for you. Now that I am beginning to accept that God is allowing me to be single for my own salvation, it has become much easier to experience joy with others. Be thankful, too, for your present singlehood. God is using this time to prepare you for your spouse, and you will be all the more thankful when you meet your future husband.

A Note on Planning

Planning goes hand-in-hand with emotional chastity. Planning is different than just a daydream; it is setting a more concrete action plan to make the daydreams happen. It can exacerbate the intensity of a daydream by becoming more “real.” Many young women do just this, especially when thinking about their dream weddings.

I am one of those girls who plans out her wedding years before meeting her husband. My wedding binder isn’t just a “fairy tale” wedding; it is a carefully-thought-out binder full of ideas and plans. My binder includes all the details – transportation, florists, entertainment, and even special instructions for the photographers and videographers. Granted, I plan on going into wedding planning as a career within the next year or so. All the same, I had my entire wedding planned out, sans groom.

In a sense, there isn’t anything wrong with doing this (so get your binders out, ladies!). The secret to holy planning, if you will, is setting realistic expectations. Obviously, you have to take into consideration both your future husband’s desires, but more importantly, God’s will for your life (it always comes back to this, doesn’t it?).

Careful planning can come in handy when you do get married and start a family, but leaving room for God to work His magic is more important. A piece of wisdom I find useful here is this: “Want to make God laugh? Show Him your plans!” Though I wouldn’t condone lack of planning, as it is prudent to do so, it’s the intention behind the plan that will or won’t make God laugh. If your intention is to have your plan executed flawlessly, without room for surprises, you will be disappointed.

The life and plans you will have will not be perfect, but they will be perfect for you, as God intends them to be. Having this thought in mind while single and searching for your husband will be incredibly useful.

I was told many times as a single lady to make a list of all the qualities I was looking for in a man, and if I prayed often enough, my perfect, hunky Adonis would make himself known. I married a man who was not perfect, but who was perfect for me. He is not “the” perfect, hunky Adonis, but he is my perfect, hunky Adonis.

This applies to the rest of your life, too. You are welcome to share with God all that you plan and all that you look for. But as with everything else, at the end of your prayers, tack on “if it be in your holy will.” If your will is aligned with God’s will, you will be happy, no matter what happens.

Plan ahead – the plans can certainly be useful – but do not attach yourself to the plans. Remember that God’s plans for you are significantly grander than the ones you can imagine for yourself. If you let Him, you will see the even greater things He has set up for you. Let Him invade all of your plans, including those for your love life. If you do choose to plan your wedding and married life to the nth degree, remember to invite God into those plans. You will be amazed at what He can do for you.

Daydreams & “Emotional Chastity”

Emotional chastity was a term that became popular in my late teens, when I had already started college. I had a difficult time wrapping my head around the subject, and even priests I knew had mixed feelings about the term. Emotional chastity, in the traditional sense, is an extension of physical chastity. It is guarding one’s heart against runaway thoughts and daydreams in a romantic setting. For example, like in physical chastity, your mind should not dwell on undressing your crush in your mind. In emotional chastity, your mind should not dwell on the imaginary future you have created with your crush, with you as Mrs. Smith, using Mr. Smith as a means to achieve your fantasy life.

As with most everything else, balance must be struck. This is where the virtue of temperance most obviously comes into play. One must have self-control in the daydream arena, particularly when someone as intimate as a future husband is involved.

To daydream is human. To imagine is human as well. As a single person, I read an article by a priest once where he labeled daydreaming as a sin – it was ingratitude over the place God has given you in life. We’ll have to break down daydreaming and emotional chastity together to really get to the heart of both of these matters.

Daydreaming at its core is pleasant thoughts that distract someone from the present. God can speak to you through daydreams, of course. For example, if you are unhappy at your job and daydream about switching careers, it may not be ingratitude at your current job that is leading you to daydream. It may be God speaking to you, letting you know that you belong somewhere else. Daydreams can also reveal insecurities or desires of the heart. A friend of mine often daydreamed about being a martyr or saving others; it is clear that she wanted to help others, but with the goal of individual glory and recognition. This type of daydream reveals being prideful; once this is recognized, it can help you overcome sin.

If daydreaming goes too far, it can become a sin, because it is then an escape mechanism. At this point, it is not a way for God to speak to you, but a way to relieve yourself from being diligent. This leads to sin through the vice of laziness. Daydreaming can also lead to lust too –  stray thoughts can lead you to sin. Therefore, daydreaming should be taken with a grain of salt. It can help to recognize thought patterns and even the desires God has placed on your heart, but taken too far, can seriously damage your soul.

Tying daydreaming to emotional chastity and relationships, as a single lady, you may have a crush on a special someone. Daydreaming about being in a relationship may be an involuntary reaction; in this instance, allowing the thought to pass through is perfectly human, but developing it or letting it run further starts heading into the emotional un-chastity zone. Applying this to a current relationship, a nice daydream about marrying him and having his children can be very pleasant. At what point does it become “unchaste?”

The key to emotional chastity is to set boundaries. One of my priest friends commented that he didn’t like the term emotional chastity because it essentially prevented imagining yourself married. He said, “How can anyone discern a vocation if they are unable to imagine themselves in that vocation?” Not imagining yourself saying Mass or getting married is counterproductive when discerning your vocation. It’s crucial to be able to see yourself up on the altar or married to Mr. Right – if you can’t do this, or don’t let yourself do this, how can you be sure you are in the right direction?

This is not a pass, however, to commence planning your wedding and your future children’s names. It is healthy and productive to imagine yourself married to a certain person as a way to tell if you would actually be happy with him and your future together. Taking it too far creates the same problem as being physically unchaste: the person of your thoughts, albeit emotional, becomes an object. He becomes a tool with which you build a future; he is no longer a person with whom you journey, but an accessory to your plans. This is when practicing emotional chastity truly kicks in.

When you begin using a person as a means to your own fantasies, even if only in your thoughts, it will translate to reality, just as it does in physical chastity. There are repercussions for both you and the object of your thoughts.

First, you will no longer see that person as a human being. If you see him as a way to meet your goal of marriage and children, he is no longer a valued child of God but an object. Second, when your “object” no longer conforms to your vision, it will be devastating to you.

It is said that when men and women break up, men mourn the loss of the person, while women mourn the loss of the opportunity. When being emotionally unchaste, this becomes all the more true. It’s not just a boyfriend that you let go of, but rather all the plans and ideas you had set up for yourself. This makes the process of breaking up more difficult, understandably.

When single, the exact thing can happen, albeit on a different dimension. It is very easy to have a “mega” crush on someone, or even an online profile, and begin setting up an imaginary life together. I have experienced both! It was heartbreaking and unnecessarily devastating when either that crush did not feel the same way for me, or the online profile never responded to me. It wasn’t at all the crush’s or the profile’s action that caused this reaction; rather, it was my own doing that caused the reaction.

The main goal in practicing emotional chastity is not in preventing your daydreams from happening; it is being able to let them happen and letting them go. By doing this, you will prevent heartbreak for yourself, you will be able to respect your partner for the person he is, rather than what he can do for you, and you can set up better boundaries as you prepare for marriage.

Single Life, Prayer, and Divine Will

Prayer works, kind of.

        Prayer doesn’t always work in the way you want it to, at least. Prayer 100% works 100% of the time – but a solid part of the time it doesn’t work in the way you want it or expect it to. So, when I heard “Just pray to find a husband!”, along with 100 prayers to make it happen, I eventually started rolling my eyes and thinking, “yeah, okay, like God is seriously going to make it happen now after years of prayer.” Don’t get me wrong – it’s not like that hasn’t changed (much). The key that helped me get through it and start praying more was by becoming more in tune with God’s frequency.

Prayer is 100% effective in finding your spouse. Truly. You’ll start noticing it when you start tacking the following words to your prayer, however: “if it be according to Your divine will.” In this case, “Your divine will” means God’s will. At this point, your will and God’s will might honestly be two separate wills; if you have discerned that God’s will is for you to get married, then God’s will WILL be done! Your prayer is already answered!

That doesn’t help the frustration, though, does it? Simply hearing that your spouse is waiting for you doesn’t help much when you’re feeling alone or lonely. That’s when the real part of waiting for your spouse can be some of the most precious time you have as a single soul – you can use it to start discerning God’s will in your life. When your will and God’s will are one – as they should be – you will be content no matter what happens, as it is all within God’s will. When you pray for God’s will to be done in your life, including finding a spouse, you will be content whether or not you have found him. A little confused?

I’m not surprised. This is the most difficult part of the single journey so far. I’m certainly no master at it, and it still takes some thinking to really try to live it. In short, your goal should be to unite your will with God’s will. When you do that, you will find that you will be happy with exactly where you are and what you are doing with your life, because you have conformed to God’s will. If God wills for you to wait for your spouse further, you will will that as well. In essence, your prayers will always be answered favorably because your will will always be in line with God’s will, and God’s will always prevails.

When you conform to God’s will and give Him yourself completely – as a single, albeit frustrated or lonely young woman – He will reward you most abundantly in giving yourself to Him.

So, this really isn’t a lesson on a “sure-fire” prayer to pray in order to find your husband tomorrow. It’s more of a lifelong skill that will assist you far beyond finding your spouse – the key is that once you’ve gotten this skill down (and we can look to the saints for an example), you’ll be so much more at peace about singlehood. Tough to do, but so, so rewarding for you in the long run.

I’m still not where I want to be with this, even after hours of study and prayer. But what I can concretely offer you is that now that I have attempted to unite myself with God’s will, things have been changing. I am becoming less anxious about my future, less concerned about getting married ASAP, and less on-edge about being single. Life isn’t immediately better, but there is a marked change. This will always be a work in progress for me, but I can promise you that as a faithful, single woman, this is a lesson you’ll want to keep for the long haul.

Below I’ve listed a few books that were especially useful to me in assisting me to conform my will to God’s. I’ve also included a couple of my own prayers that I pray daily on my way to find my husband – I still pray the prayer for divine will daily as I try to grow further in uniformity with God’s will. Even if you never 100% get there, God will appreciate all that you can give to Him. Remember this, and keep God’s will in your prayers. You’ll feel the difference!

Prayer for Divine Will

God, give me the grace of abandoning my will totally to your will. May your will be done fully in me and by me. I will be at peace, no matter what happens. Amen.

Prayer to Find My Spouse

Jesus, help me find my husband. Help me to find the loving gentleman that I will marry. Help me to grow, with your grace, in humility, prudence, and temperance, until I find him. Allow my husband, too, to grow in virtue until he meets me. Help us find each other, as soon as we are able, according to your divine will. Jesus, lead me closer to my husband every day, and once we’ve met, help us to grow together as a couple and as a future family. Grant us peace until we meet, if it be in your holy will. Amen.

Recommended Books

Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence: The Secret to Peace and Happiness

Father Jean Baptiste Saint-Jure

Saint Claude de la Colombiere

ISBN: 0895552167, 1984

 

Uniformity with God’s Will

St. Alphonsus de Liguori

ISBN: 0895550199, 2009

 

How to Converse Continually and Familiarly with God

St. Alphonsus de Liguori

ISBN: 0895557975, 2009

 

The Gift of Oneself: Surrendering Oneself to God as a Way of Life

Father Joseph Schryvers

ISBN: 0895558335, 2008

 

Self-Abandonment to Divine Providence

Father Jean-Pierre de Caussade

ISBN: 1905574266, 2006

Online Dating

“I can’t believe I’m doing this!”

“I never thought I’d find myself on one of these sites!”

Online dating can be a blessing. It can also be a major source of stress for the single. There are a few important things to keep in mind when choosing to date online:

1. It is only one out of many ways to meet men.
2. Profiles offer limited information.
3. Your number of “views” and “messages” don’t define you.

I tried online dating three separate times before I decided to stick with it. It took quite a bit of time and effort to really get it right.

At first, I signed up for CatholicMatch.com, okcupid.com, and eHarmony.com. I had done my research and learned which sites were the most successful and which methods were most useful in finding a date: mainly, cast your net wide and don’t limit yourself to one site. After a month of the online dating game, I got off the websites, frustrated that it wasn’t going nearly as well as I hoped it would.

Fast-forward to January 2014, and I decided that it was a good time to look for a date again. I was 4 months closer to graduating college, and hopefully closer to finding my husband. This time, I chose only CatholicMatch.com and eHarmony.com; to get the full benefits, I also signed up as an official, dues-paying member for both sites. I threw myself fully into the sites – I worked carefully on which pictures to use and how many words to write in the description sections.

After three weeks of not getting any messages – not even one – I fell into a fairly deep depression. Well, I’d say the online dating was the final trigger to the depression, but a depression followed nonetheless. Those three lessons listed above? I learned those in the aftermath of the desolation.

I started online dating again, four months later, in May 2014. Again, I chose to become a dues-paying member, but this time, just on CatholicMatch.com. The third time around, I actually (kind of) knew what I was getting myself into (and I’ll continue posting to let y’all know how it goes):

Lesson 1: Online dating is ONE out of MANY ways to meet men.

One of the many factors that led to my online-dating induced depression was the hopeless thought that if I couldn’t meet someone online, I clearly couldn’t meet them anywhere else. This couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Online dating is one of many, many platforms to meet others. Young adult groups, parishes, and friends of friends are three simple ways to meet others – all offline. I spent much of my time January 2014 in looking through online profiles, desperately convinced that was the only way to meet my spouse, as I clearly wasn’t meeting him anywhere else. When I didn’t meet that special someone in those first few weeks, however, I collapsed upon myself.

When choosing to date online, remember this. It is so easy to start looking through the seemingly endless profiles and pictures of eligible men. It is easier still to prune your profile until it’s “perfect.”

Again, remember that it’s just one of many ways to meet your spouse. It’s very similar to purchasing a longed-for item. There are many places to get that item, and if you choose the same store over and over, hoping that they will one day bring in that item you’ve been waiting for, it will inevitably bring frustration when days and weeks pass without finding it. Use online dating as ONE source, not THE source for meeting others.

Lesson 2: Profiles offer limited information.

This lesson is applicable both to you and your potential date. It is easy to get discouraged when no one is sending you messages or even looking at your profile! However, keep in mind that your profile is just a small reflection of who you are. No online profile, even with limitless picture and word capacities, will ever really capture you or your date. Remember that if your profile isn’t looked at, or if it is and you haven’t received any messages – it’s not you they aren’t attracted to – it’s the deflated, pale version of you that can’t compare with who you really are.

Granted, you’ll still want to put your best foot forward. Be honest and use the word and picture limits wisely, but remember that it’s only a snapshot of you.

As for your potential date, remember too that it’s only a limited version of who he is. You can definitely tell a lot about a person based on the types of pictures he puts up and the words he uses to describe himself, but it isn’t everything. Don’t be afraid to give someone a chance based on limited information.

Lesson 3: Your number of “views” and “messages” don’t define you.

Girl, you are stunning. You are a beautiful daughter of God – THAT’S what defines you. No number of “views” or online messages get to define how amazing you are. Don’t just take this as a feel-good message – it is 100% true. Just read up on the Song of Songs – God is your ardent lover, and He thinks you’re to die for!

But really. Part of my depression was based on this very idea – my worth, in the online dating world – had to be based on my number of views and messages. How else could it be measured? But, as mentioned in lesson #2, how could I possibly define myself on such a limited snapshot? How could others define me on that limited snapshot? There’s no way to do it! Your worth is based on your identity as a daughter of God. That means you are worth so, so much more than an online view or message.

It’s hard to take when you’re in the position of feeling unloved or disliked, however. I know that first-hand! It’s tough out there! I’ll tell you what though – it’s more than just believing your worth as a daughter of God – it’s growing in virtue, particularly humility. More on that later, though!

 

Online dating can be very useful – like almost all other things, it has to be used wisely. Remember that it’s just one way out of many to meet men. There are thousands of wonderful young Catholic men who aren’t doing online dating, and one of those thousands could be your spouse! Keep in mind that your profile is only a snapshot of you and your personality. Put your best foot forward and hope for the best, but remember that a rejection online isn’t a rejection of you. Lastly, never forget your inherent worth as a daughter of God. You are defined by His love, which will not be transmitted to you via online messages. You can definitely use online dating as a tool to find your spouse, but remember, God knows what is best for you and He will lead you in the right direction.

The Struggle is Real

If I had a dollar for every time someone gave me a tip on how to find my spouse, I’d be quite wealthy. I’ve collected many Catholic gems over the years on how to find him; here are just a few:

–       Put a statue of St. Anthony upside down and pray to him for your spouse

–       St. Anne novena (St. Anne, St. Anne, find me a man!)

–       54-Day Rosary novena

–       Pray to St. Joseph to find your spouse (he is the ideal spouse)

–       Pray to St. Agnes (there are some great methods of praying to her*)

That, and I heard many actions to take in order to find your spouse:

–       Start running towards God. After a while, take a look at who is running next to you, and that will be your spouse.

–       Make a list of everything you’re looking for in a husband. Become those things, and you will attract him by those same qualities.

 

Let’s not forget the super-helpful tips, too:

–       “Why don’t you try online dating?”**

–       “You have SO much time ahead of you. Why are you worried about it?”

–       “Just wait. It’ll happen when you least expect it!”

–       “Have your friends and family set you up! That’s how it always happens!”

 

There’s nothing wrong with these tips, legends, and prayers. For a single lady, however, it’s the last thing I want to hear! No more tips, just a husband! As I have learned throughout single life, there’s much more to finding a spouse than just tips and tricks – the process is deeply intertwined with you as a daughter of God.

There are many books out there on “how to find your husband,” but for the most part, they are filled with tips on how to meet your future husband. They may as well be titled “How to Make Catholic Friends.” Many of those methods, which will be covered in future posts, can again, assist in finding your spouse. But again, it is so much more than that.

This blog will bring a fresh perspective on singlehood, dating, and Catholicism (I hope). The struggle is real – but here’s a pro tip: if you are unhappy, it’s a reflection of you! It’s not God who is making you unhappy by waiting for your spouse – you’re making yourself unhappy! So read on, and find out how to find your spouse, without losing yourself in the process.

*On the eve of St. Agnes’s feast day, you can fast and then go to bed naked. You’ll have a dream of your future husband. Or, take a sprig of rosemary and a sprig of thyme and sprinkle them with water and put one in one shoe and the other in the other shoe. Place the shoes one each side of your bed, and say before falling asleep, “St Agnes, that’s to lovers kind / Come ease the trouble of my mind,” and you will dream of your future husband.

**Not to rain on online dating, as many faithful Catholics have found their spouses through dating websites, both Catholic and non-Catholic. I’ll devote my next post to online dating next.